Try not to respond with anger or defensiveness if others aren’t responsive to your efforts. They have been hurt by your actions, and they may not be willing to forgive and forget. They may have been hurt in ways that you were not able to identify when preparing to make amends. In Unhitched, couples tell the stories of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.

  • We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments.
  • When you make amends, the way you look and feel about situations changes.
  • However, you can still take action in all of these situations to satisfy the spirit and the intent of Step 9 and progress in your step work.
  • No doubt you will experience challenges and setbacks along the way.
  • “Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic.

On the surface, making amends might sound as simple as offering a sincere apology for your treatment of others, but there’s more to this cornerstone Twelve Step practice. However, even if you feel extremely motivated to make direct amends, it is advisable to take your time with this step. Make sure that you are comfortable with your living amends progress during recovery and that both you and the other person are ready to engage in the process. While many people are receptive and supportive to attempts to make amends, some are not. And some people in your life may not be receptive on your timeline. Communicating about the way you harmed others can evoke strong emotions.

Examples of Making Amends in Recovery

Remembering how I stole from you makes me sad and fills me with shame. While I did these things in active addiction, that does not take away from how wrong they were, and the pain and sense of betrayal you must have felt as a result of my actions. There is no such thing as a “living amends” in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. That is just one small example of what are living amends. Part of my living amends is also being the friend my friends deserve and the employee my employers hired in good faith. Living amends touches deep parts of our lives and souls if we allow them.

In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care. The spiritual purpose of making amends is to find inner peace, freedom, release, and rebirth. While this step involves a direct exchange with another person, its goal has everything to do with healing and addiction recovery on the part of the person making the amends. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery.

Step Series

If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation.

  • Instead, making amends means you apologize for what you’ve done and make it right.
  • An amends is not an apology or “I’m sorry” for a wrongdoing.

You will need to demonstrate that you are committed to rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship with them. Making direct amends means actively confronting your behavior with the person who you harmed. Many people begin making amends as soon as they join AA. In some cases, simply opening up a conversation with a friend or family member about your history of alcohol use can begin the process of making amends.

How Making Amends Helps Both You and Them

This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss. My Mom, on the other hand, loves to complain about Ricky’s behavior.

By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. Recovery support groups and individual therapy can help you if you are struggling to make amends or accept the responses of others. A sponsor or therapist can help you talk through your choices, determine the best course of action for making amends, and consider how your actions may affect others as you seek to make amends. Living amends look different for everyone, depending on the specific negative behavior patterns you have identified while working the 12 Steps. Determining the most impactful living amends will require a great deal of honesty.

tips for living amends

Maybe it is a fight you always thought you had time to resolve. Perhaps it is something you said or did while they were ill. Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of those things are possible. Like the definition says, amends is something we do to make up for something we feel guilty for. It is different from an apology, which is “a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure”. An apology doesn’t include an action that attempts to make up or compensate for that wrongdoing.

  • Making any type of amends can be challenging, but in this article, we’ll focus on living amends and tips for how to make them.
  • When he handles a situation at work “the wrong way” I keep my opinion to myself.
  • On the surface, making amends might sound as simple as offering a sincere apology for your treatment of others, but there’s more to this cornerstone Twelve Step practice.
  • Making these types of life changes is difficult and requires lots of hard, emotionally-complex work, but it’s worth all the effort in the end.

The main purpose and mission of Alcoholics Anonymous members is to stay sober and help others achieve sobriety. So that even when someone has overcome their addiction, they stay within the fellowship and help others overcome their addiction, and this also keeps them from relapsing. Apologizing in this way may open the door to continued healing, growth, and restored relationships in recovery. We go back to a moment in time and we fixate on the things we wish we had done differently.